It's been a difficult month (and a half) since I sent out Arkaya Draft 4 to my critique partners. When I ended I was on a high, feeling like it was the best thing I've ever written (which it may well be). And then I moved on to planning out Larodia's story. I wanted to try plotting, figuring out the characters before I committed to writing the story. That went well, even though I had some stops and starts. I bought a few books-about-writing that were very helpful, and I found a fascinating series on character development that was really interesting. (Link to that amazing blog by K.M. Weiland here)
So planning was going well - and then for whatever reason, it started feeling too much. I call myself a hybrid of planner and pantser (fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants-er, to be precise). I like to plan a little bit, but it's when the characters move me that the real magic happens. Planning, I've discovered, works to a certain point - and then I have to start writing. I'd originally thought I would plan until April, but a few weeks ago I had to start writing. I felt I knew the characters well enough that doing anything else with them would be counter-intuitive. Writing the messy, plot-hole-dotted first draft is where the characters come to life, at least for me.
The writing's been happening. I'm currently at 9,000 words and on scene 5. True to form, Larodia has already taken the plot off the rails. But in a good way. She's being active and driven, reaching for her goals, coming alive. She still feels like the strong-willed, opinionated person who stormed into my dreams and demanded her story be told.
And to top it all off, the comments are coming in on Arkaya. Overall, they are positive. Everyone seems to enjoy my worldbuilding, which was unexpected but makes me smile. But the things I need to work on are coming to light. I knew it wasn't perfect. I knew it had flaws when I sent it out! And of course I want my critique partners to find all those flaws so that I can improve it. But it's always going to be hard when you put this much time and energy into a project. I've been working on Arkaya, on and off, for at least 10 years.
This is a phase of writing I've never really gotten to before - feeling like the story is "complete", and sending it out for feedback. When I get that feedback, though, I'm not sure what to do with it. Some of it makes sense, and I 1000% agree with it. But other parts of it hurt, or make me want to run away in panic. This is a project that's been with me forever, so it's hard to see its flaws. And of course there's the kind but honest comments that get under your skin and rip your self-confidence to shreds. (You screwed that up, my brain says, therefore you're the Worst Writer Ever.) They turned into an obsession, and for a couple of weeks, they stalled out my motivation.
Somehow, I separated myself from the comments and am letting them percolate in my subconscious. My next draft will be better and stronger for it, no matter what I decide to do with those comments. I read something a while ago that said that the comments you rage against resonate within you for a reason. You've thought about it, too, and now that someone else has pointed it out, it makes sense.
Critique is something that every writer has to deal with. My writing can never be perfect, and my critique partners are amazing and really helpful! They aren't doing this malignantly - they are there to help, and I firmly believe that. I'm very honored with everyone who has offered to read my story, and grateful for everything they tell me.
Even when it hurts.
Especially when it hurts.
For now, I'm setting Arkaya aside, and focusing on Larodia's first draft. My plans are to go back to Arkaya after April Camp Nano, once I've collected all the commentary. Delving back into first draft writing (my favorite kind, I've discovered) will bring back my self-confidence, and if nothing else, it reminds me what I love about writing. So I'm setting the old aside, and moving forward to the new. At least for now.